The Rogue Tourist (Who Smelled Barbecue)

If you talk to my childhood teachers and friends, they would confirm I was a good girl who did what she was told at least 97% of the time. While I had a smart mouth that often wrote checks my ass could not cash, I reserved respectful obedience for authority figures and followed the directions of people who were in charge of leading me in different areas of my adolescent life.

My friends, family and teachers would also confirm that I was a fat kid who was easily driven to distraction by food.

Which brings me to the half-day tour of Phuket I recently took. I had every intention of hopping out of the van at whatever site the tour company had arranged for us 8 random foreigners who wanted to get in some semi-culture between sun bathing on the beach and consuming mojitos. At the baby elephant site, I hopped out of the van and fed the elephant. And then hopped back in the van right as the tour guide was summoning us to gather again. When we went to a mountain peak to take in one of many breathe taking views of the island, same thing. Hopped off van, listened closely to the guide give us the history, took a few pictures and then, back to the van.

I was a good little tourist for the majority of this trip.

And then, I got hungry.

Thing was: I didn’t realize I was hungry until I smelled the smoke of the black diaspora’s favorite cuisine: barbecue. We had just left the honey plantation and were now at yet another temple that seems to be a requisite site when touring any Asian city. The guide gave us a quick history and told us we could explore on our own, leaving us with a time and location to meet up again.

Listen, Children…When you see one of these scared temples, you truly have seen them all. This temple looked just like the one I happened upon in my neighborhood in Shanghai when I was trying to find the Walmart so I could buy some paper towels. It also resembled the one I saw in Bali, except more grand and blingy. Ornate walls. Lots of incense. Altars. Buddha statues. Yup, it was a temple alright.

It was my plan to find the toilet and the barbecue while my fellow travellers found enlightenment praying and what not within the temple.

And when I found the barbecue, several things happened that were not truly my fault.

Thing 1: The barbecue was absolutely delicious. The old man who had all this meat on sticks waiting to be thrown on this open flame had put some magical, crack-like sauce on these skewers and his charcoal had to be made from the dust of fairy wings because when I bit into my first chicken skewer, I felt like the Hebrews being sent manna from Heaven after Year #17 wandering around the dessert pissed because they still didn’t know when they’d get to the Promised Land. Because the chicken skewer was so succulent,

Thing #2: I had to order a pork skewer from the old man whose advanced age caused him to take an inordinate amount of time to barbecue meats. I only ordered 1 more skewer so I don’t know why it took him so long to grill it, but this is how things go. It would have been rude of me to rush him as he was at least two and a half decades older than me. To make use of the 5 or so minutes I had left before I had to meet the group, I went over to another stall where some sort of fruit drink was being offered. This, too, took a long time so when I came back to get my pork skewer, I realized I was hungrier than I originally thought and should probably get a beef one, too.

Thing #3: I had to feed a hungry child. This child did not say he was hungry. But, when I came back to the elderly barbecue man, I recognized one of the children from the family who had been on the tour with us throughout the day. We were coming up on hour 3 of this tour and the young lad had not even had a snack as far as I could tell. So, I asked him if he wanted a pork skewer. He did make note of the time and asked if we were supposed to head back over to the meeting point, but the sizzle from the grill, the aroma of the crack-laced sauce entranced him, too.

Thing #4: The elderly barbecue man did not have change for the big bill I gave him and thus ensued another lengthy event, wherein he roamed around to his other vendor colleagues trying to scrounge together my change.

Thing #5: I realized we had like two more stops before this tour ended. I would probably be hungry again so it would be smart for me to order 2 or 3 more skewers. As previously stated, the grilling process was inexplicably long.

When me and the young lad, who was visibly happier than he was pre-skewer, approached the rest of the group, I felt a bit of remorse. Well, actually, I didn’t really feel remorse. I felt bad for the other tourists in the group. They looked hot. And hungry.

“Wait…there was food?” One of them asked.

“I hope we still have time to visit the Big Buddha,” our guide passive-aggressively mumbled under his breathe.

Because my mama raised me right, I apologized for being a little late and setting us back on the itinerary.  The young lad was the one to rave about the barbecue meat and how he was glad he had the chance to have one.

I just simply crawled into the van that had pulled up once we got back and began eating my reserve skewer.

For some reason, it was really quiet on the ride to the Big Buddha.

2 Responses

  1. Girl this was too funny 🙂 I will be traveling to Thailand in 2019, I hope I have these type of experiences. Thanks for sharing.

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