Being a nerd can be quite burdensome. Because we love learning so much, nerds tend to turn every moment into a chance to stuff our overflowing brains with just one more nugget of information. Knowledge is to nerds what a six figure salary is to most other people. Therefore, many nerds tend to relish the opportunity to flaunt their intellectual prowess to anyone who is polite enough to humor us as we quote literary authors (the more esoteric, the better!) and wax poetic about our brilliant, simple solutions to the world’s complex social issues. And like the owner of a six-bedroom mansion quietly seeths with absolute rage when those pretentious neighbors down the street build a ten-bedroom mansion, we nerds are none too pleased when we are exposed for what we truly are: regular human beings who, in the learning process, actually fail several times before we succeed.
I have been repping Black nerds since 1975. I have had four decades to place almost all of my currency in my intellectual stock.
Imagine how humbling these last few weeks have been as I try to use the few Kinyarwanda phrases I have learned with actual Rwandans. Months before coming to Rwanda, I spent a few hours a week with my nifty Utalk app, listening to an overly friendly female voice slowly repeat numbers, greetings and simple sentences that promised to get me through my “settling in” phase in my new country. I came armed with “Muraho” (Hello!), “Murabeho” (Goodbye!), Simbyunva (I don’t understand) and Simbizi (I don’t know). If I ever needed to borrow a pen, use someone’s phone or ask how much something cost, I was fully prepared to articulate my need with precision and confidence.
So, the trouble with knowing only a few key phrases in any language is the people who are responding to those phrases don’t know that you only know a few key phrases. Added to this complication is the blessing and curse of being a Black woman in Africa. Particularly when I am out with non-Black people, the locals here assume I am one of them when I proudly slam one of my kinyarwandan phrases on the table. In such situations, the blessing of being in a country where I can more easily blend in turns into a curse.
It is a curse I inflict on myself. No one requires me to speak in Kinyarwanda. Since I am an Ex-Pat, I often find myself in environments where Ex Pats frequent. Therefore, any locals who also happen to be in these places automatically slip into English because they assume that the people with whom they are communicating likely do not know Kinyarwanda.
I could just speak English.
I could just make my life easier. Actually engage in a successful conversation.
Yes, I could do that. And most times I do.
But as for those other times…
Please enjoy the below transcript of what often happens when I do not settle for the okey doke and speak boring ole English here on the exciting continent of AFRICA. It is a sadly accurate depiction of what normally happens when I feel compelled to make it known that, yes, I can speak me some Kinyarwanda. If not to garner the respect of the locals, to at least instill a tiny bit of jealousy in the Ex-Pats within ear shot of these terribly inadequate conversations.
Scenario 1:
Me: (as I pass someone on the street) Muraho! Maramutse!!
Someone on the Street: “SOMETHING WITH A LOT OF WORDS THAT I DON’T UNDERSTAND AND THAT DON’T REALLY SOUND LIKE ANYTHING FROM MY UTALK APP”
Me: (Blank stare)
Someone on the Street: “MORE WORDS THAT DON’T SOUND LIKE ANYTHING ON MY APP.”
Me: (confidently, as if I have recently finished my dissertation on the etymology of Kinyarwanda) Simbuynva. Lo siento, I mean “mbabalira”…I think?
S.O.S. chuckles. And repeats all his confusing words again. But slower. With hand gestures and some broken up English words.
Me: (getting nervous because S.O.S is speaking to me like I am a pre schooler and I still have no damn idea what he is saying.) Sim…buyn…va?
(I add a sheepish smile and shrug my shoulders. I even put my hands up as if to say: Yeah, I am lost here and isn’t this quite an awkward moment in which we have found ourselves? My INNER NERD taunts me, suggesting that instead of looking like that cute, confused kid from the picture on the Utalk app, I look like a mentally challenged person with this abrupt, too-wide grin and the inability to respond to what is most likely a simple greeting.)
Scenario 2:
Me: (to my waitress who has spoken impeccable English the entire time I have sat at her table) Ese n’angahe?
Waitress: Awwwww…very good! You know Kinyarwanda?!
Me: (like a kindergartner whose teacher has just put the biggest, goldest star next to her name in front of the entire class) YES! I have been practicing for weeks now. I know how to say other things besides, “Can I get the check?”
Waitress: Really? No?
Me: Oh yes! Yes. Wait…just wait. (I think really hard) Ufite ikalamu?
Waitress: (feigning admiration surprisingly well) Wow. That is good. Do you really need a pen, however?
Me: No, not really. That is just what I remembered with confidence. Do you want me to ask you where the bank is, too?
Waitress: No, that will not be necessary.
(Here, I try not to be agitated with my lovely waitress. I remember that she, at least, applauded my success and even encouraged it. Last week, I reached back into the recesses of my mind to summon up the Kinyarwandan phrase for the ladies room, which is a mouthful. When I slowly, carefully, painstakingly managed “umasarani wabagole,” this heifer looked at me indifferently and said: “The toilet? You need the toilet?” I still have not forgiven that bathroom attendant lady for not humoring or applauding me like this waitress has.)
As you can imagine, I’d much rather Scenario #2 happened more than Scenario #1. However, we all know which one does happen more often.
When Scenario #2 has occurred, though, I have shamelessly latched on to the poor, defenseless Rwandan who has then pacified my desire to prove that I know more than I really do. And those poor fools who are slaves to their politeness have had to sit there as I threw out random words and phrases that mean absolutely nothing in the context in which I am using them. (Sometimes, I have suggested my captives clap!) I justify my language bullying by telling myself that I have entertained countless numbers of taxi drivers, shop keepers, neighbors and random strangers each and every time I have found myself in some version of Scenario #1. Therefore, my thirst for applause when Scenario #2 occurs is sort of like the laws of language and communication being balanced somehow. The world must have balance. If I am the one to do such balancing, so be it.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tagged: kigali, kigaliconversations, kigalilife, Kinyarwanda, language barriers, nerds, Rwanda |
Yet Another Single Gal 
I’m pretty sure I just startled my new neighbors as I hollered out loud! lol! Why is it that neither of these scenarios is the least bit shocking?! Why, Keturah? Why am I not shocked? Have you forced these poor, unsuspecting people to listen to your singing too? If not, I’m sure that’s happening in the near future. C’est la vie de Keturah!
Lo siento, Keturah, this is the FUNNIEST… I, too, can relate to mono lingual ness, in our “hometown” of East Harlem, I have unwittingly, occasionally, duped an unsuspecting Spanish speaker with my, I think, perfectly pronounced “Lo que paso fue…” (what had happened was) into their telling me, in Spanish, what had happened. OOoooh awkward….
I reiterate: These are learning experiences, le pitts. We all must learn from one another. Dozens of people, both locals and Ex Pats, have learned the art of laughter thanks to my eager stabs at kinyarwanda. I am going to ease them in to my singing. They can’t handle alla that at once.