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Appreciating the Happy Stick

Another single gal and I were discussing Chris Rock’s highly underestimated movie, I Think I Love My Wife.  I remember quite a while ago standing in line to buy a ticket to see it and consciously expecting nothing but funny antics from Chris with a few of his unique insights about life sprinkled in here and there.  I was pleased to witness quite the opposite.  I Think I Love My Wife was noticeably light on Chris-is-funny-as-hell antics and heavy on nuanced portrayals of the quiet difficulties of married life.  Specifically, married suburban life that came with kids, middle class angst and painstakingly mundane routines.  It struck me as a very honest and humane depiction of how easily infidelity can creep into a marriage – regardless of how committed both partners were to the mate they loved and trusted enough to marry.

And this is what floored my single gal friend once she had gotten around to seeing the movie on DVD.  Chris Rock’s character came dangerously close to cheating on his wife because he and the wife had not had sex in MONTHS.  (I think they were working on one full year by the time they both went to the requisite marriage counselor.) “Who are these crazy ass women refusing to sleep with their husbands,” my friend wondered.  And why were they all outraged when their sexless husbands found themselves in hotel rooms with an eager to please secretary or waitress or Starbucks barista or any other woman with an inviting smile and a libido?

I laughed at my friend’s genuine shock of wives who refused their husbands sex.  Her point, of course, was if you don’t sleep with your husband for months on end, well, what else is there for him to do but end up in bed with some other woman.  I remember being confused by Chris Rock’s character’s sexless marriage when I first saw the movie, also.  But, I don’t think that part of the movie stood out for me simply because the wife was representing a bunch of wives who clear the path to infidelity when they withhold sex from their husbands.  I was and still am baffled by this concept of SEXLESS MARRIAGE.  The fact that they really exist and that often it is the wife who is not giving it up.  Like many things in life…I don’t get it.

Perhaps it is because I am a single gal.  And as a single gal, a fair amount of my life is spent strategizing how to have greater access to the happy stick.  While those who possess the happy stick would probably wonder why I would need to strategize in the first place, for many single women, getting sex from a man worth having sex with is…well, it’s like having a part-time job that only pays enough to give you pocket change, but still requires an inordinate amount of your energy.  There is the attraction and initial flirtation that is often fun and if it were up to him could easily result in access to the happy stick without progressing to the next stage at all.  But, for all of the single gals I know, the initial attraction stage is not all that is needed to result in partaking of the happy stick.  

And this is where I envy the few wives I know.  They no longer have to bother with the work that comes after the initial attraction/flirtation stage.  There are no requisite “getting to know you” activities staged in the midst of sexual tension that is so thick it is damn near suffocating both of you, but neither you nor he feel comfortable enough to acknowledge your loss of oxygen just yet.  There are no scheduling conflicts that get in the way of these “getting to know you” activities in the first place.  There are no clenched teeth when he says or does something asinine as you realize that this guy may not be worth shaving above the knee for. And once you have progressed to enjoying the happy stick as often as possible, there are no complicated readjustments of schedules, no traveling involved, no negotiating and analyzing what enjoying the happy stick now means for the both of you.  

To think that these wives have the happy stick right next to them EVERY SINGLE NIGHT and they say…”No, thanks, Hon.”  I. DON’T. GET. IT.

I see these wives on Oprah sometimes  explaining themselves.  They say stuff like, “I am so tired by the time we get in the bed.”  “I am so stressed with the kids and arranging for the pool guy to come and clean the pool and then getting the kids to softball practice…”  “I feel like I’ve lost my sex drive.”  When I hear these wives discuss their very legitimate ailments, I am even more baffled by why they are not having sex with their husbands.  If you are fatigued, spend a few moments with the happy stick.  I imagine that would give you a little more energy. After all, the happy stick can’t solve every problem in a marriage, bit it can make you…well, happy at least.  Stress?  Hello, what better way to relieve tension than by enjoying the happy stick?  And perhaps a key way to find your lost sex drive is to…HAVE SEX.  I mean, I’m no therapist, but…

I do not intend to judge women who find themselves in sexless marriages.  Life and love are complicated so I am willing to acknowledge that there are real, hard to articulate reasons why a wife would choose the running of a household and raising of children over a healthy sex life with her husband.  I do admonish these women to simply remember their lives before being blessed with 24 hour access to the happy stick, though.  How often they wished they could just get this one little thing easily…without effort.  Without work.  I encourage wives to not take such a gift for granted.  We single gals, although well adjusted and happy with our lives, envy you.  

PICK UP THE HAPPY STICK, WIVES.  

That is all…

I think.

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